8 Things You Can Do To Break Free From People Pleasing
The People Pleasing Cycle Can Stop With You
The thought of saying “no” or giving your own opinion on something may just be anxiety-producing enough to have you running in the other direction.
You don’t rock the boat and you prefer for things to go smoothly. So much so that you ignore your own needs and desires at times because you don’t want to upset anyone else.
You know it’s a problem but it brings up a lot of feelings, hard feelings.
At some point though you’re going to have to start doing something about it.
In this blog, I’m sharing with you 5 ways you can manage your people-pleasing anxiety.
I am an online anxiety therapist in Wilmington, NC, and specialize in therapy for anxious high-achieving women. My clients come in for anxiety treatment, challenges with perfectionism, and stress and burnout.
Online anxiety therapy is open for residents of North Carolina and Maryland.
Ready to get started? Click the button below to schedule your free 15-minute consultation with me.
Keep reading to learn ways to manage people pleasing anxiety.
How To Break Free From People Pleasing
Being a people-pleaser is not inherently a “bad” thing.
As humans, we want to be liked (most of us at least) by others. It isn’t until the people-pleasing behaviors start impacting you and creating some harsh consequences that it becomes a problem and unhealthy.
Check out these helpful tips on what you can do to start managing your people-pleasing behaviors.
Tip #1 Reducing People Pleasing Tendencies: Develop an awareness
First and foremost developing awareness is crucial and without the awareness of what is happening and when it’s happening these other things are going to be a lot harder.
Start recognizing when this people-pleasing is happening, who it happens with, and where it is showing up.
Recognize any patterns in your behaviors, what thoughts start showing up, and what feelings start showing up in your body.
Tip #2 Reducing People Pleasing Tendencies: Acknowledge and accept your feelings
Allow yourself to acknowledge and begin to accept the feelings that are showing up once you start to develop awareness.
Most times it is much easier to sweep these feelings under the rug and avoid them because it feels safer and there is less vulnerability involved.
Often there is a lot of resentment, anger, frustration, and sadness towards yourself and others that you could be stuffing and carrying around.
When you begin to acknowledge and accept that feelings are showing up, only then can you start to work through them and make some changes.
Tip #3 Reducing People Pleasing Tendencies: Identify clear boundaries
Explore and identify boundaries you can set for yourself and others. Boundaries can be helpful guidelines you put in place to make sure your needs are being met. Boundaries can also be flexible so you don’t have to treat every situation the same or be super rigid with your guidelines.
Exploring your values can also be a helpful place to start when you are developing boundaries.
Tip #4 Reducing People Pleasing Tendencies: Make time your friend
Allow time to be your friend in situations where you find yourself wanting to people-please. You can also set time boundaries as well (more on that above).
If you are unsure of something that someone is asking of you, give yourself the gift of time. You can say to that person something like “I’m not sure about that, let me get back to you” or “I need to look at my availability and I will get back to you.”
There are many reasons why people-pleasers tend to say “yes” and a big reason is because of the sense of pressure you put on yourself and perceive from others, but because you don’t want to hurt anyone else it’s just easier to say “yes” or agree at the moment.
Practice using phrases like the ones above, even if you know the answer or want to do something. Get yourself comfortable using the language and saying something differently rather than immediately responding or agreeing.
Tip #5 Reducing People Pleasing Tendencies: Start small
This is so important.
Start small with whatever you do because chances are you are doing something different than what is your norm and change is hard.
Choose one thing and start there for example explore what your boundaries are, practice saying “no” or using the time phrases from above, or noticing your thoughts or feelings and communicating them or journaling about them.
The point is to take action and gain some confidence when doing something new or different, especially with life-changing stuff.
Tip #6 Reducing People Pleasing Tendencies: Evaluate your relationships
If you find yourself noticing patterns and people-pleasing behaviors with certain folks in your life, really take some time to assess the relationship.
Are they one-sided or is there a give-and-take?
What is your personality like when you are around this person or these people?
Knowing your boundaries and values can be helpful when you are doing your assessments.
Tip #7 Reducing People Pleasing Tendencies: Develop self-compassion
Be easy on yourself.
As stated before, naturally as humans we want to be liked and belong. We are hardwired this way because way back in the day we needed to belong for survival purposes.
Fortunately, we no longer live in caveman days but sometimes are brains still perceive that this needs to happen.
All of this is to say that people-pleasing is normal but it's not always healthy for us in the long term.
Practice being kind to yourself when you notice things, when you try new things during the process of changing your behaviors, and when things don’t turn out as you thought they would.
Tip #8 Reducing People Pleasing Tendencies: Get supports
Lastly, develop an amazing support system.
The kind of support system that supports and encourages your changes while you work through the hard stuff. The kind of support system that wants you to be the best version of yourself and understands the reasons why you are making these decisions in your life.
Anxiety Counseling in Wilmington, NC at Calm Waters Counseling
As mentioned in the previous blog, people pleasing can create a lot of feelings towards yourself and others.
It is important to recognize the signs of people-pleasing anxiety so that you can begin to manage your thoughts and feelings while making effort to take different actions.
I use a style of therapy called Acceptance and Commitment Therapy or ACT.
ACT is really helpful in creating a different relationship with thoughts and feelings and encourages psychological flexibility. Learn more to see if Acceptance and Commitment Therapy would be helpful for you.
Learn more about ACT for anxiety.
Get started in therapy at Calm Waters Counseling by following these 4 simple steps:
Click the button below to schedule your free 15-minute consultation
Complete the brief questionnaire sent to your email before the consultation
Meet with your anxiety therapist
Start meeting your goals and living your life in rich and meaningful ways
Therapy for High Achievers in Wilmington, NC at Calm Waters Counseling
High-achievers often struggle with people-pleasing tendencies because it was reinforced during their younger years. So it’s no wonder why as an adult it can be a real challenge.
In addition to working through people-pleasing anxiety, my high-achieving clients deal with perfectionism, stress, and burnout.
Learn more about me and my Wilmington, NC online therapy practice, as well as other services below.
Check out all services at Calm Waters Counseling, listed below:
Anxiety therapy in Wilmington, NC
Treatment for Perfectionism in Maryland
Burnout Counseling in Wilmington, NC
Therapy for Imposter Syndrome in Wilmington, NC
Virtual Therapy for Anxiety in North Carolina
Nowadays not making it into the office for your therapy appointment doesn’t have to be the thing that holds you back from getting the help and support you need.
Thankfully, online anxiety treatment is effective and flexible to meet your needs.
Learn more about online ACT for anxiety
If online therapy seems like a good option for you, click the links below to learn more about where you live.
online therapy for anxiety in North Carolina
online anxiety therapy in Maryland
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Written by: Laura Rippeon, LCSW, LCSW-C